from ew dot com Love & Sex

Who Completes You?

Shut-up, Jerry Maguire!
If you want a successful relationship one day, check out the three things you’ll need.

By: Jenn Clark

What woman didn’t get a little misty-eyed during the iconic “You complete me” scene in Jerry Maguire? The idea of a man coming to his senses and realizing that he can’t live life without us plays into our female fantasies. Check out most romantic comedies or “chick flicks” and you’ll find a story plot that includes a guy doing exactly this. For whatever reason, women fall in love with the idea of a man overcoming his doubts and fears and deciding that he would be lost without her.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a man who loves and cherishes us. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to love a man, as well. The problem occurs when we feel incomplete without another person. What Jerry Maguire – and every other movie of that genre – fails to demonstrate is that real completeness and true wholeness can only come from within.

The truth is the best relationships consist of two complete individuals who come together as partners; not those in which there is a desperate need for another. So how do we do it? How do we become complete on our own? As far as I see it, there are three things every woman should have in place; preferably before she enters into a serious relationship.

A career she is passionate about and works hard at.

A hobby (or two) she enjoys on her own.

A collection of solid and supportive female friends.

A truly complete woman is a working woman. Having career goals – and achieving them – are important to her and she won’t put her own plans on hold simply because a man comes into her life. The importance is not how many dollars you make, but that you work on making them.

A satisfying and fulfilling career adds to your self-confidence and builds your self-esteem. The ability to support yourself gives you independence and the freedom to choose how you want to live your life. It’s no coincidence that these are also attributes that make you more attractive to guys, as well. Quality men aren’t interested in a needy woman who looks to them to play Sugar Daddy. In the words of Donna Summer, “She works hard for the money” and – as the song implies – he’ll be much more likely to “treat her right” as a result.

Part of completeness is also knowing who you are and taking time to enjoy that person. I often say that every woman should have a hobby or activity that is just for her. It could be yoga or a charitable cause. It could be jewelry making or French cinema. Having a hobby creates “you time;” it allows you to recharge your batteries, get in touch with yourself, and create balance.

In our hectic and overly-scheduled lives, it can be difficult to find time for a hobby. However, it’s often less about not having enough time and more about not being sure of exactly what it is you want to do. Ask most women what their favorite hobby is and chances are you’ll get a confused look, a thoughtful pause, and “Shopping?” stated more like a question. So if you’re struggling to find a hobby, start exploring the different aspects of yourself. If you’ve got a creative side that isn’t being tapped at work, look into the arts. If you’re stressed, find something that can bring peacefulness into your life. Hobbies are about creating well-roundedness and – no matter how that looks for you – there’s an activity out there that will create it.

Lastly, your friendships and relationships apart from a significant other are also extremely important. While our romantic partnerships will most likely be deeper and more intimate than almost any other relationship, solid friendships are imperative to a complete life. Our friends are our support system and they build us up and encourage us, just as we do them. Having good friendships and learning how to be a good friend as well, is vital.

No matter how wonderful the man or the relationship, no one can be another’s “everything.” Women who let their friendships go by the wayside upon the arrival of a new guy are unwittingly putting an extreme amount of pressure on him to be her sole source of entertainment and support. Whenever I encounter a woman who has let her friendships suffer because of a man, I know it won’t be too long before her relationship with him suffers as well.

Being complete, on your own, allows you the opportunity to create your own best life. It affords you the ability to be yourself; the woman you were meant to be. The healthiest and most satisfying romantic relationships are born out of this place. So ask yourself, “Who completes me?” When you can honestly say that person is you, the goal becomes not to find a man who completes you, but one who compliments you instead.


Jenn Clark is a writer, blogger, and all around “sex-pert.” In 2010, she put her two passions – writing and relationship advice – together and created the popular blog “Jenn X: 30Something & Single.”


She is the author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…),” which is based on an article she wrote that went viral and has been viewed nearly half a million times.  She is also a monthly columnist for AVID Magazine, a featured writer for a variety of websites, and a frequent radio guest.  You can find both her and her blog at and on the YouTube channel “Jenn X: 30Something & Single.”

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5 comments on “Who Completes You?

  1. I sooo agree with this!!! It makes me so sad when I hear someone say, “he completes me.” for a relationship to be successful, both parties need to be complete and whole on their own first. Great article!

  2. Michelle Clark

    This is fantastic Jenn! Women are sent so many messages about needing a man through the media, our upbringing,our friends, etc. that it’s hard to even acknowledge that we could possibly be complete on our own! We need more messages like yours out there.

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